Arshan Umer Ansari
Marriage and its necessity
Virtues of a righteous spouse
Conditions of Marriage
Steps to make marriage easy and successful
Alhamdullilahi Rabbil A’lamīn, Waṣalatu Wasalam Ala Rasūlillahil Karīm, Wa, Ba’d
Marriage is just one of the infinite blessings Allah has bestowed upon the Muslims. Its has numerous rewards and effects on the Individual, his family and society in general. In this regard the noble and virtuous brother Badī uz-Zaman al-Madanī delivered a comprehensive and precise lecture on the aforementioned subject and offered great insight and practical advice to society in general in how to approach marriage.
The brother, May Allāh reward him abundantly and make his scales heavy on Yaum al-Qiyāmah (Amīn), Arshan ʿUmer Anṣārī, painstakingly transcribed the whole lecture to benefit the Muslims. May Allāh Accept this from him and reward him with good and Success. Amīn.
Abū Ḥibbān & Abū Khuzaimah Anṣārī
On behalf of
Salafī Research Institute
23rd Jumada al-Ūla 1437H / Thursday 3rd March 2016ce
Salafi Research Institute 2016
All praise to Allah, we seek his aid and his assistance, and ask his forgiveness and we seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our actions. Whomever Allah guides, no one will be able to able to mislead him. Whomever he leads astray, none can guide him. I bear witness that there is no one worthy of worship but Allah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. As to what proceeds: Indeed the best speech is the speech of Allah, and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (ﷺ). And the worst of matters are those innovated by the people, and every innovated matter is a bid’ah and every bid’ah is astray, and every going astray is in the fire.
The Noble brother Badi-uz Zaman Madani is a student from Madina University. He graduated from college of tafseer, and has memorized several narrations of tafseer. One of his prominent teachers was Sheikh Hikmat bin Basheer Al Iraqi, the author of the one of the recent most tafseer named: “At Tafseer As-Saheeh” (published in four volumes). Sheikh Hikmat lead the tafseer department in Madina University for some time, and his other books are as well focused on subjects related to tafseer.
Sheikh Badi-uz Zaman currently resides in Saudi Arabia, and is a member of Islamic center in the capital city, Riyadh. He gave a lecture several years back in India on the topic: Nikah: Asaan ya Mushkil? (Marriage: Easy or Difficult?)
It is Allah, the Most Noble and the Most Wise who:
- Prohibited adultery, and sanctioned punishments for it.
And it is he who:
- Encouraged marriage, and in some cases obligated it, and rewards us for it.
What’s the difference between the two? Is there any reason behind it?
We do not have any doubt that much of the Muslim youth today are into matters related to this subject which lay outside the boundaries set by Allah. I, as a nineteen year old university student found it effective and beneficial. If it can benefit me, then without a doubt it can benefit others as well, with the help of Allah. And therefore, transcribed this lecture for the benefit of others. I acknowledge that this is very brief, but I hope that Allah accepts it from me, forgives me due to this, and guides other through this.
Arshan Umer Ansari
[25th September 2015]
Marriage and its Necessity
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (30:21)
The maqsad (aim) of nikaah is peace and tranquility, and eradication of all evils. The tranquility we achieve by marrying in the Islamic manner cannot be achieved by any other way. Through this Allah put mawaddah (affection) and rahmah (mercy).
Love in Islam is after marriage. But those submerged into materialism like the Europeans think that love should be before marriage.
Allah (subhanahu wata ala) said:
هن لباس لكم
“They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.” (2:187)
Allah compared this relationship to clothes. Clothes are a shelter for humans, and clothes hide the private parts. Clothes are also for beautification of the body. They also hide the bad things of the body. So, from this we learn that when a husband and wife get close to each other, their actual life begins. The way in which clothes hide our bad and frame our body, the husband-wife relationship is also established so that they conceal each other’s bad.
Allah said, “O children of Adam, We have bestowed upon you clothing to conceal your private parts and as adornment.” (7:26)
The way our clothes hides our secrets, the husband-wife relationship as well hides each other’s secrets.
What is the importance of marriage?
Allah spoke several times on this matter in the Qur’an and specifically in Suratun Nisa (chapter 4). Allah brought this bond into existence even before bringing human life into existence on this earth.
“It is He who created you from one soul and created from it its mate that he might dwell in security with her..” (7:189)
Allah brought human beings into existence through Adam (alayhissalam). Then Allah created their pairs ie., he created his wife from Adam (alayhissalam)’s ribs.
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said:
“The most wicked among the people in the eye of Allah on the Day of judgment is the men who goes to his wife and she comes to him, and then he divulges her secret.” (Muslim)
Because he did not ‘behave’ like a clothe! And he (ﷺ) said,
إِنَّمَا النِّسَاءُ شَقَائِقُ الرِّجَالِ”“
“Women are counterpart of men.” (Abu Dawood)
For this reason marriage is an obligation upon everyone. Because peace, tranquility cannot be established except with marriage.
And he (ﷺ) said, “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford It should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.” (Agreed upon)
Those youth who can support a wife ie., he desires marriage, and can afford a wife, her clothing and a room and is prepared internally for marriage, must get married. It is obligatory for such youth to get married, belating is not permissible. Zuhr Salah cannot be performed at the time of Asr, and Asr cannot be performed with Maghrib. The Lord who established Salah on fixed times also obligated marriage on those with capability.
If one doesn’t marries at the right time, then this is zulm on the shariah. One must marry, because youth is an age and time when it is difficult to control oneself.
The biggest trial for youth is women. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “I am not leaving behind me a more harmful trial for men than women.” (Bukhari)
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “The life of the world is sweet and green. Allah makes you generations succeeding one another so that He may try you in respect of your actions. So beware of the beguilements of the world and those of women. The first trial of Banu Israel was through women”. (Muslim)
Bani Israel, the followers of Musa alayhissalam, those who sacrificed their wealth and lives for the sake of Allah, but when the fitnah of women was presented to them, they failed the test. And Allamah ibn Qayyim mentioned in “Turk al Hukmiyyah” that when they got into fahisha, more than seventy thousand of them died in a day due to diseases.
Allah does not forgives societies which indulge into fahisha, zina, and mixed gatherings. Look at the history of Iran, Egypt and Rome, their society, culture and everything got destroyed.
He (ﷺ) said, “Immorality never appears among a people to such an extent that they commit it openly, but plagues and diseases that were never known among the predecessors will spread among them.” (Ibn Majah)
The benefit of marriage that Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said is that it restrains ones eyes. Because evil and zina begins from our gaze.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said that gaze is one of the poisonous arrows from among the arrows of Iblees.
النظرة سهم مسموم من سهام إبليس
If an arrow hits our body, it will have a massive effect on the whole body. And if poison is added to it, the whole body will be poisoned. Controlling gaze is so important, that one will loose his deen and eman, if one doesn’t controls it.
But the benefit of marriage is that it restrains the gaze.
“And it prevents one from immorality.”
Hisn means a fort. A person remains safe in a fort, and the enemy cannot attack him. Similarly, a person becomes safe from the attacks of Shaitaan if a person gets married.
And marriage is the sunnah of all the ambiyaa (prophets). Allah says
“And We have already sent messengers before you and assigned to them wives and descendants.” (13:38)
It is the sunnah of our role models, and therefore we must get married. For this reason, scholars are united that marriage is better than just performing voluntary prayers at night, and fasting in the morning.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “In this world, women and perfume have been made dear to me, and my comfort has been provided in prayer.” (Nas’ai)
And he (ﷺ) said: “Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me.” (Ibn Majah)
Meaning that whoever considers this sunnah to be wrong is not of this ummah.
And the one gives life to this sunnah, his deen and Iman will be protected. Allah will protect the one who gets married.
There are three who are promised the help of Allah and one of them is the one who gets married seeking to keep himself chaste.
The one who is under Allah’s protection cannot ever be harmed anyone!
And for this reason, marrying is completing half the deen.
Our beloved messenger (ﷺ) said, “When a slave (of Allâh) marries, he perfects half of his religion. So let him fear Allâh in the remaining half.” (Mustadrak Al Hakim and the wording is of Baihaqi) And in another narration, he said, “it is half of Iman (faith).”
Subhanallah, such a virtuous deed marriage is, fulfil your need and desire as well.
Just like he (ﷺ) said, “Cleanliness is half of faith.” The one who doesn’t gets married cannot remain clean.
Virtues of a righteous spouse
And he (ﷺ) mentioned the virtue of marriage saying,
“Four things are part of happiness: a righteous wife, spacious abode, a good neighbour and a comfortable mount.” (Ibn Hibban and Musnad Ahmad)
The first from among the four is a righteous wife. The one who Allah bestows a righteous wife, is as if he has received all the good of this world, and that he received Allah’s forgiveness in dunya!
A righteous wife is the most precious asset after gaining taqwa of Allah. And he said, “A believer has not benefited after fear of Allah more than a pious wife..” (Ibn Majah)
Ali ibn Abi Talib radiyallahu anhu used to tell others that if any seeks as righteous wife, then make this dua, “Rabbana aatina fid dunya hasanah wa fil aakhirati hasanah waqina azzaban naar.”
Ali (radiyallahu anh) made tafseer of “good of this world” to be a righteous wife. Because a righteous wife can bring revolution to one’s life, one’s home, and the whole society!
For this reason, Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) used to emphasize on the importance of a righteous wife. Collect all gold, silver, dollar and machinery, but the most precious thing in this dunya is a righteous wife.
And in Sunan Ibn Majah, Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “Indeed, this world is no more than temporary joys, and there is no temporary joy of this world that is better than a righteous wife.”
Allahuakbar! This is the status Allah has given to women! Is there any society or culture or tradition from the past or present that has given a status to women as high as what Islam has given?
So marry, for Allah will not only fulfill your dreams and desires through marriage, but he will reward you for marrying as well!
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “Truly every tasbeehah [saying: ‘subhan-Allah’] is a charity, and every takbeerah [saying: ‘Allahu akbar’] is a charity, and every tahmeedah [saying: ‘al-hamdu lillah’] is a charity, and every tahleelah [saying: ‘laa ilaha illAllah’] is a charity. And commanding the good is a charity, and forbidding an evil is a charity, and in the bud`i [sexual act] of each one of you there is a charity.”
It is a charity ie., we will be rewarded just like we are rewarded for giving in charity.
They (companions) said, “O Messenger of Allah, when one of us fulfils his carnal desire will he have some reward for that?” He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Do you not see that if he were to act upon it [his desire] in an unlawful manner then he would be deserving of punishment? Likewise, if he were to act upon it in a lawful manner then he will be deserving of a reward.” (Muslim)
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said that the one who saves oneself from haram is the best worshipper of Allah among the people.
Save yourself from zina and get married, you’ll become the best of people.
This shows the importance of marriage, without which one’s Iman cannot be complete; without which fahisha and zina cannot be eradicated; and Allah’s pleasure and happiness cannot be achieved.
This marriage will become a reason for the messenger to be proud of us. If we marry in accordance to Islam, our kids will become a reason of pride for the messenger.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “Marry the one who is loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers.” (Abu Dawood)
Hence, whereas marriage is the reason for multiplication of mankind, and peace and tranquility, it is also a reason for happiness of our messenger; and also a perfect way to end fornication and adultery!
He (ﷺ) said, “The most blessed marriage is that which is affordable (with less expenses).”
The best marriage, the most blessed one, the one that will establish peace and tranquility, the one that creates love, that will eradicate evil is the easily affordable one.
But establishing a relationship through marriage has become difficult, and zina has become easy.
“And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned.” (42:30)
We don’t remember Allah when we see evil. But we only remember him when the evil affects us with all the problems! Rectify yourself, rectify your family, before that a day comes when Allah rejects it all our duas.
Fahisha has become so common that this evil is being called “fashion.”
A boy who doesn’t has girlfriends and girls who don’t have boyfriends are seen as too traditional and sort of crazy.
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “Among my ummah there will certainly be people who permit zinaa, silk, alcohol and musical instruments…” (Bukhari)
They have given it new names, but zina will remain evil. They have become used to it, so they don’t see this evil as evil anymore. The hearts have died.
For this reason, marriage has been prescribed early. If youth (both men and women) get married at the right time, all the doors to faahisha will be closed.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ), “If anyone cares for three daughters, disciplines them, marries them, and does good to them, he will go to Paradise.” (Abu Dawood)
And he (ﷺ) said, “Marriage is the best thing for lovers.” (Ibn Majah)
Ibn Abbas (radiyallahu anhuma) related that a man came to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said, “O Messenger of Allah! I am a guardian of an orphan girl. Two men betrothed that girl: one of them is wealthy and the other is poor. We like to give her to the wealthy but she wants the poor! The Prophet ﷺ said, Marriage is the best thing for lovers. (Ibn Majah)
“Love does not mean the lustful desire. This is a false love. No sooner does a man desire a woman than he hates her after satisfying himself. Love, which is mainly portrayed in romantic stories, is just a kind of fiction and dreams. Love only grows between spouses. As years pass, company and kind treatment enhance such love. Real love gradually replaces the illusive love.” (The Bride’s Boon – Tuhfat Al-‘Arous by Mahmoud M Al-Istambulli)
Marriage also kills all hatred between two families. Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) married Juwairiyyah (radiyallahu anha) and some others for primarily this reason.
The Tatars, destroyed Muslims lands and killed approx 50 hundred thousand Muslims, and the later on married some of the Muslim women, this lead to a turning point in history. They accepted Islam and then dedicated their lives for serving Islam.
Make the marriage easy, and for this, the groom and his family must stop the practice of asking the bride for dowry. Stop behaving like beggars! Remember that Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) swore by Allah and said, “He who opens a gate of begging, Allah opens a gate of poverty.” (Tirmidhi)
Will you ask for that haram dowry? Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) has sworn that Allah will make a beggar dependant on others for every little thing!
Allah says in the Qur’an, “And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (24:32)
If you don’t have much money, then Allah will enrich. Don’t worry about that. But you want to get rich before the marriage itself, you want to buy the girl in the price of an animal! So, why would Allah then help?
First, get married. And then, Allah’s help will arrive.
Who is a ‘gani’ (rich person)? The one who has alot of money? No. Gani is the one is self – sufficient. And Allah is Al Gani, The Self Sufficient, not dependant on anyone. Allah will make you as well Gani, you will not be dependent on people, but on Allah alone.
Look in the case of Abdurrahman ibn Awf (radiyallahu anh), who got married just after sometime of migration when he had nothing much in terms of wealth. The messenger, the most important person of the city was also not invited for the marriage. Look into this companion’s simple marriage. But we distribute invitation cards in the whole country! And even to those in foreign countries. Why not follow the sunnah?
Later on, he increased so much in wealth that he even married four wives. Allah has permitted marrying two, three, and four wives. Because Allah knows that man has desires, and it is not necessary that his desires will be fulfilled by marrying one. He died leaving behind thousands of dinars for each wife.
This is why Abdullah ibn Abbas (radiyallahu anh) used to tell others to search for richness by marrying:
التمسوا الغنى في النكاح
And Abu Bakr (radiyallahu anh) would say,
“من اراد الغنى فاليتزوج”
“Whoever wants to get rich should get married!”
And the same is learnt from Zubair ibn al Awwam (radiyallahu anh)’s marriage who got married while yet very poor, but died leaving lands and buildings in Madina, Basra, Egypt etc.
He (ﷺ) said, “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Muslim)
We saw earlier how righteous wives changed the history of Tatars, and now look at how Umm Sulaim (radiyallahu anha) who told to the non Muslim man who proposed her, “If you accept Islam, then that is your mahr (dowry).” She made her dowry as Islam, and what a revolution came that he accepted Islam, other women got inspired and her ten children became scholars of the Deen, and one of the those sons was Anas ibn Malik (radiyallahu anh) for who the messenger (ﷺ) made dua saying, “O Allah increase in his wealth and family and let him enter Jannah.” And then he had a hundred children!
Ikrimah ibn Abi Jahl, who the messenger decided at the conquest of Makkah that he would not be forgiven at any cost. But his wife, Umm Hakeem, a pious woman, interceded on his behalf. Ikrimah wanted to get close her but she refused and told him to accept Islam or else their marriage bond would break. It was due to her wisdom and tableegh that such a big oppressor accepted Islam. And the same Ikrimah at the time Abu Bakr and Umar (radiyallahu anhum), fought very hard against Musailimah Al Kazzab, who claimed prophet-hood. Allah made him serve the deen, but this was due the efforts of his wife.
No doubt that a righteous wife has great importance. And thus, the famous Arabic proverb,
وراء كل رجل عظيم امرأة
“Behind every successful man is a woman.”
That was some of the basics in introduction to marriage. Now let’s analyze whether marriage is simple or difficult.
Conditions Of Marriage
Marriage will remain in existence until mankind remains. For this reason, Allah has made marriage simple and easy. There are conditions of marriage, and until we don’t apply these rules and conditions, the difficulty will continue to increase. If we really want to see a change, then let us establish this sunnah in our lives, let us marry in an affordable and simple manner.
With regards to this, the conditions of marriage are:-
- Wali (guardian) of the girl: A girl cannot marry without a guardian. Wali is a condition.
- Two witnesses: Marriage cannot be complete without minimum two witnesses. Marriage without two witnesses cannot establish this bond and relationship, rather it would be destruction. Allah has put the same condition for even other business transactions like loan, and for divorce as well. Two just witnesses are a condition. And the hadith of the messenger (ﷺ) proves this, “There is no marriage except with a wali and two just witnesses.” (Abu Dawood)
- Mahr : Islam puts the financial responsibility on the men before the marriage itself. Other responsibilities like house and clothing come later on. Marriage will not be valid until Mahr is decided, or that it is given it to her. Marriage without deciding the amount of Mahr will not be marriage, but Zina.
- Waleema (wedding feast): After the marriage, an important thing is waleema. People spend in hundreds of thousands for waleema, just to show off.
Why is a Wali required ?
Allah said in the Qur’an to the wives of messenger. “And abide in your houses and do not display yourselves as [was] the display of the former times of ignorance.” (33:33)
A woman is the Queen of her home. A woman should generally stay in her home, for she cannot handle everything all together. Allah has put such a responsibility and capability in woman that she can bring a revolution in the home, city or the whole culture! But Allah has not permitted her to roam publicly all alone, or become the ruler. Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) has cursed saying, “A people who make a woman their ruler will never be successful.” (Bukhari)
When women began working in clubs, parks, restaurants and theatres; mankind became its own enemy, and peace disappeared from the land.
So we see that Allah has preferred women over men in certain cases and men over women in other cases. He has given different abilities to men and women.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
“And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority].” (2:228)
The financial responsibilities are on the men. Some of the responsibilities are on the men, and not women. And other capabilities Allah gave to women, and not men.
For this reason, Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “No woman can give a woman in marriage and no woman can give herself in marriage.” (Ibn Majah)
And he (ﷺ) said, “The adulteresses are the ones who marry themselves without Bayyinah (proof).” (Tirmidh)
And usually, the court marriages and many so called “love marriages” come under this ruling. Very often such women who marry without any wali or witnesses are dumped by their “lovers.”
If someone wants to have blessing in their lives, then a wali and two witnesses are necessary. The messenger (ﷺ) said, “The marriage is invalid without the wali, mahr, and two just witnesses.” (Sunan Al Kubra)
Who is a wali?
The father. And the one who doesn’t has a father will have her brother or son as a wali. The one who has none, will have the ruler or the scholars as her wali.
A marriage in which one that is forced to marry by the wali is also an invalid marriage according to the messenger.
Reflect at the justice of Islam. On one side, the wali has been made a condition. On the other hand, the choice and will of the girl is also a condition!
Khansaa’ bint Khizam Al Ansariyyah was forcefully married by her father. She went and complained to the messenger (ﷺ) and he invalidated that marriage. (Fath Al Bari, sharh al Bukhari)
And there are other narrations proving that agreement of the girl is necessary.
And it is upon the wali to accept a proposal of a righteous, well mannered, man of Taqwa. If you reject such proposals, then you cannot prevent the virus of fitnah from affecting you.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) repeated and emphasised this message thrice saying, : “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad).” (Tirmidhi)
Meaning that if he is righteous and well mannered, then don’t look at how much he earns, nor at his position and status in society.
Mahr is the right of the woman, and it must be given to her, and she will be the sole-owner of it.
Allah said, “And give the women [upon mahrriage] their [bridal] gifts graciously.” (4:4)
But many of us do not even give the mahr. They specify the amount in written form just for the sake of formalities, but don’t actually give it.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “If a man married a woman with less or more mahr and his intention of not giving the mahr, and he dies without giving the mahr, will meet Allah on the day of judgement as Zaani (adultrer).” (Tabarani)
Such a man will be put in the rows with adulterers. And do you know the punishment for a this act.
“And do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated.” (25:68-69)
In the light of these ayat, such a person deserves to stay in Jahannam forever and ever.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “The one who commits an illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing illegal sexual intercourse..” (Bukhari)
Zina is from among the major sins! Imam Ad Dhahabi mentioned this in his Kitab Al Kabair (major sins). So, how about the one who commits zina all his life?
Give the mahr to them happily and graciously. Allah says in Surah Nisa, “So for whatever you enjoy [of marriage] from them, give them their due compensation as an obligation.” (4:24)
Mahr is an obligation just like the obligation of Salah.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “The conditions that are most deserving to be fulfilled are those by means of which intimacy becomes permissible for you.” (Bukhari)
Nowadays, they take heavy dowry as gold and money from the girl, but don’t give the mahr!
Allah says, “But if they (the girl and her family) give up willingly to you anything of it
(mahr), then take it in satisfaction and ease.” (4:4)
Enjoy the mahr if she gives. But don’t ask her for dowry, even if you’re in need of money.
“But let them who find not [the means for] marriage abstain [from sexual relations] until Allah enriches them from His bounty.” (24:33)
Postpone the marriage if you don’t have the money. But don’t ask for dowry from the women. This is absolutely haram (impermissible). Abstain from consuming haram! Ka’ab (radiyallahu anh) narrated that the messenger (ﷺ) said,
“There is no flesh raised that sprouts from the unlawful except that the Fire is more appropriate for it.” (Tirmidhi)
And my dear brothers, the reason for this mahr is not to make the situation difficult for men, or else the messenger would have not permitted the sahaba to give few coins as or excessively less money and clothe as mahr. Nor would he have permitted memorization of the Qur’an as mahr.
Sahl bin Sa’d As-Sa’idi narrated that: A woman came to the Messenger of Allah(ﷺ ) and said: “I present myself to you (for marriage).” So she stood for a long time. Then a man said: “O Messenger of Allah! Marry her to me if you have no need of her.” So he said: “Do you have anything to give her as a dowry?” He said: “I have nothing except this Izar.” So the Messenger of Allah said: “If you give her your Izar then you will have no Izar, so search for something.” He said: “I did not find anything.” He said: “Search for something, even if it just an iron ring.” He said: So he searched but he did not find anything. The Messenger of Allah said: “Do you have any Qur’an (memorized)?” He said: “Yes. This Surat and that Surat.” And he named the Surat. So the Messenger of Allah said: “I marry her to you for what you have (memorized) of the Qur’an.” (Tirmidhi)
And Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: “Do not go to extremes with regard to the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honour and dignity in this world or a sign of piety before Allaah, then Muhammad (ﷺ) would have done that before you. But he did not give any of his wives, and none of his daughters were given, more than twelve uqiyah. A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her and says, ‘You cost me everything I own, and caused me a great deal of hardship’.” (Ibn Majah)
Pay the mahr in accordance to your affordability. But it should be in agreement with the bride as well. The messenger (ﷺ) always gave the mahr before marriage, except in the case of Aisha (radiyallahu anha) who he gave after the marriage.
So give the mahr in front of the public, so that others learn a lesson from you and get inspired from you to follow this.
Waleemah (wedding feast):
If someone wants to get married, then he should be capable to afford a waleemah (wedding feast). If you can’t afford, then you may even ask others to donate something for you.
Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) married Safiyyah (radiyallahu aha), and the wedding feast had no bread or meat, but just some dates, dried curd (cheese) and ghee. (Bukhari)
Fatimah (radiyallahu anha) married Ali (radiyallahu anh) when he didn’t even own a house. And we think of bank balance, land and property before getting married. And Ali did not have anything to even give in for wedding feast. So, the sahaba contributed for it.
Furthermore, among the things we need to take care while hosting a waleemah is to invite the local poor people, and the scholars, students of knowledge, Imams and Muadhins.
The messenger (ﷺ) said, “The worst kind of food is that at a wedding feast from which those who come (ie the poor) are turned away and to which those who refuse to come (ie the rich) are invited..” (Muslim)
Steps to make marriage easy and successful
- Lessen the burden on the bride’s family:
Waleemah (wedding feast) should be hosted by the groom, and there is no proof whatsoever to ask the bride’s family to host the waleemah.
You will not a find single saheeh or even a daeef hadith proving the opposite. The messenger (ﷺ) is our role model. You pray like the messenger and perform abulution like the messenger (ﷺ) . He married Aisha, but did Abu Bakr (radiyallahu anh) call for any feast ? He (ﷺ) married Hafsah, but did Umar (radiyallahu anh) invited for any feast ? Fatimah (radiyallahu anha) married Ali, but did the messenger (ﷺ) invite Ali (radiyallahu anh) for any feast ? Abu Bakr radiyallahu anh gave his daughter in marriage to Zubair ibn al Awwam (radiyallahu anh). Abu Bakr was rich enough, and he gifted them a slave as well, but did he invite for any feast ? This is nothing but blind following the culture of non Muslims like Jews, Christians and Hindus.
There is no proof for feasts to be hosted by the bride or her family. Rather, this is a clear innovation.
Today, many Muslim girls are committing adultery in clubs, universities etc. When a survey was made so as to why they do this, tears flowed from their eyes and their response was that their parents were not able to afford the high dowry and the expenses of waleemah asked by the future in-laws. We come across lots of such cases.
They will not be able to get married until the youth wakeup, and decide to make their marriages simple and affordable. It is not possible until they give women their rights, their mahr, and they spend and take upon themselves the responsibility of hosting the wedding feast. Remember that this disease of faahisha cannot be killed until the youth take their responsibilities.
You put all the blame for the spread of fahisha on Television, series, movies and Internet. But who is the root cause for this?
Allah says in the Qur’an, “O you who have believed, upon you is [responsibility for] yourselves. Those who have gone astray will not harm you when you have been guided. To Allah is you return all together; then He will inform you of what you used to do.” (5:105)
Educate your children about Qur’an and Hadith. You see girls becoming lecturers and teachers in English schools, but then running away from homes with some strangers to fulfill their desires! Who is responsible for this? At times, they find it difficult to recall the shahadah!
If you give proper tarbiyah to your children, then even if they go to countries abroad for studies, they’ll be teaching and inspiring others instead of following their footsteps. Allah’s messenger (ﷺ), “He who raises two daughters until their puberty will be with me in Paradise like this”, and he symbolized the proximity by showing two of his fingers with a slight gap between them.” (Muslim)
Allahuakbar, Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) will be as close to us as are our two fingers! So, make the marriage affordable.
- Learn the obligations and encouraged acts concerning marriage:
And from the Sunnah is to perform two rak’ahs Salah upon the first meeting to have sexual intercourse. The husband will be the Imam, and the wife will be following behind him. After the Salah, hold your wife’s head/hair and make dua to Allah saying,
“O Allah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that you have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that you have made her inclined towards.”
اللّهُـمَّ إِنَّـي أَسْـأَلُـكَ خَيْـرَها، وَخَيْـرَ ما جَبَلْـتَهـا عَلَـيْه، وَأَعـوذُ بِكَ مِنْ شَـرِّها، وَشَـرِّ ما جَبَلْـتَهـا عَلَـيْه
If you begin your married life following the sunnah, then your future will become blessed!
- Avoid and abandon Jahez (dowry):
Furthermore, the word “Jahez” (Urdu word for the dowry given by the bride’s family) has been taken from the Arabic language. But this word in Arabic is not used for those alive, rather for the dead ones! The burial and funeral procession is called “Tajheez” in Arabic. The word “Jahez” is connected to the word “Tajheez”. But this tajheez is us for the dead. And the reality is that those whose hearts have become dead only ask for dowry from the bride or her family. But those whose hearts are alive do not ask for Jahez (dowry)!
And this Jahez is zulm (oppression) as well. This is because Allah’s messenger (ﷺ) said, “The property of a Muslim is not permissible unless he gives his consent.”
Don’t target your Muslim brother’s money. Do you think that these parents of the girls give the dowry happily?
There may be someone with a dead heart giving Jahez with pleasure, but usually parents of the girl give Jahez only out of force of the culture and pressure of the in-laws. For this reason, this money is haram.
Allah says in the Qur’an, “And do not consume one another’s wealth unjustly..” (2:188) This is zulm (oppression), and it is haram as well.
And the boy and his family feels proud asking for Jahez. Remember that the one who has pride even as little as grain will not enter Jannah. Allah says, “Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful.” (31:18)
And one of the things for which Allah punishes anyone in this dunya and in the akhirah as well is Zulm (oppression). This dowry is haram, and is zulm, and is used to boast. And he said in khutbah of Hajjatul Wida that just like the land of Makkah is sacred and fighting therein is haram, our blood, our property and our honour are sacred also sacred.
And very often this dowry is used as a bribe for marriage, they look for who agree for dowry. So know that messenger (ﷺ) said,
“Allah has cursed the one who gives bribe and the one who takes it.” (Abu Dawood)
And the one who Allah curses will never be successful. This dowry is also brought among Muslims following the footsteps of non Muslims. Allah forbid this behavior, and heavily warned us saying, “And incline not to those who do wrong, or the Fire will seize you; and ye have no protectors other than Allah, nor shall ye be helped.” (11:113)
Don’t even incline towards them. No such culture of demanding jahez is found except in the Indian subcontinent. So those who want end this must themselves take the first step.
- Avoid extravagance:
O brothers and sisters, realize that other reasons making marriages difficult for our youth is the extravagance. Extravagance in decoration of function halls, music, photo shooting, video – recording, and even much wastage of food. Allah has made music and dance haram, and remember that Allah doesn’t prohibits anything except that he hates it, and is harmful for us.
“Waleema” is the Arabic word for the wedding feast and “Aleema” refers to ‘azaab (punishment). Don’t convert your Waleema to Aleema!
O my dear Muslims, remember that Allah will ask you about all this. He says in the Qur’an: And he says, “Indeed, the wasteful are brothers of the devils, and the Shaitan (Devil – Satan) is ever ungrateful to his Lord.” (17:27)
It is due to wastage that Muslims lost their power and rule. Caliph Ma’moon married one of the most beautiful lady (Bouran) of that time; and same with Caliph Mu’tasim, others who wasted much wealth in marriage, and emptied the nation’s wealth and the treasury of the Muslims just like some of the current ones, and the nation reached height of poverty and misery. And it was at this time that the Tatars (Turks) decided to attack. Muslim rule became utterly destroyed. The situation went so worse that they couldn’t save themselves, nor could they save their honor.
Dear brothers, this land (the subcontinent) is also beloved to us, we have strived and struggled much for the freedom of this land, and we have speared much blood and tears here, and put our lives to danger (to free ourselves from colonization). It is in this land that we raised the banner of “Qaala – Allah wa qaala – Rasool”, and we Muslims ruled this land for a 1000 years! We are the ones who spread the message of love and peace in this land.
O Muslims! Put an end to this extravagance; the more the expenditure, the more number of girls won’t be able to marry.
But if you don’t stop all this, then Allah will not forgive you, he’ll make your wives disobedient, and your own children will become stubborn and unmanageable; and you will die out of disgrace and embarrassment.
Do away with all these rituals of Mehendi and haldi. Take the responsibility of Walima on yourself, don’t even expect the bride’s family to do any of that.
- Marry on any day or month of the year:
Few people consider Muharram a cursed month, subhanallah. This is the month when Khaibar was conquered and the battle of Qadissiyyah was won; the messenger (ﷺ) made hijrah in this month; so what’s wrong that you try to avoid this month?
The idolaters of Makkah used to consider the month of Shawwal a accursed month, and inappropriate for marriage. So, the messenger (ﷺ) married Aisha in Shawwal opposing their beliefs and rituals. And as it has been narrated in Saheeh Bukhari, Aisha (radiyallahu anha) used to prefer for others as well to get married in this month. Implement the teachings of Allah, this is the right way to eradicate wrong beliefs and rituals. So, marry in the month of of Muharram and Shawwal.
- And avoid mixed gatherings:
At least, don’t let men and women mix in your weddings. Make proper segregation arrangements. Don’t let men and male waiters enter your women’s section. Where is gheerah (honorable protectiveness)? The messenger (ﷺ) said that there is no good in the one who does not feels geerah. I request my mothers and sisters to avoid such gatherings and function halls.
Dear reader, may Allah ease your life and ease your hereafter, don’t close this document without having any effect on yourself. Promise yourself that you will implement what you learnt.
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “Indeed the religion began as something strange and it will return to being strange. So glad – tidings is for the strangers who correct what the people have corrupted from my Sunnah after me.” (Tirmidhi)
Islam began as something strange among kuffar, but a time would come that this very deen would become strange among Muslims. So glad tidings for the strangers! Do you want the glad tidings of Jannah? Then promise yourself that you will not ask others for dowry.
We ask Allah that may he bless you with such wealth that he blessed Zubair ibn Al Awwam with. May those parents who marry their children Islamically also be blessed with happiness in this life and hereafter. Some of us have parents who also make much trouble for their children from marrying in the Islamic manner. We ask Allah by his noble names and attributes to bring us back to Islam, and to protect our sisters and daughters, and all those who wish to implement Islam in their lives.
And may Allah’s peace, mercy and blessings be upon Muhammad.